PLEO!!!!

As I've stated in an earlier blog, I want a dog. This is a desire I equate with how other women feel about children. I don't have that need, but I do want the unconditional love of a furry, slobbering, cutiepie I can call my own. The problem is that a dog is very much like a child and requires a great deal of time (and $) and I don't want to commit to taking care of a little someone without being 100% sure that I can give them the best possible life they deserve. This has left me quite sad since dogs are allowed nearly everywhere in NorCal. I have met several wonderful pooches just in the past few weeks.

Well...I have discovered a possible solution. Pleo! The new toy from the people who brought you the Furbie-a toy I always thought was satanic looking and could give Chuckie a run for his money. Pleo, however, is the cutest damn thing ever! Check him out. The price tag is substantial (around $250), but I figure a dog will wind up costing more.

I don't know if I'll actually get one. Actually, the potential for this kind of technology is quite scary-a little too close to Terminator. But you can bet I'll keep it in mind. It might be just what this girl needs!

HOLIDAY SEASON

Another holiday season is upon me and I get the pleasure of watching people frantically shopping to buy last minute gifts. Why do we do this again? Oh yeah, for the birth of Jesus.

I've been thinking a great deal about what I believe lately. I have, for years, considered myself an agnostic. Riding that fence post just in case what I really think (that religion was created so that people might have a place to gossip and a 'legitimate' reason to hate) might not be right. Well, I've thought about Christianity, Hinduism, Muslim, Buddhism, etc. and never seriously considered taking time to think about Atheism. The fact is Atheism is always presented in the negative-nonbelievers, amoral, hateful. This idea is pure rubbish. I am fortunate to have several family members and very close friends who are openly atheist and I am happy to announce they are some of the most decent, loving, generous people I know. Let's face it-morality has nothing to do with religious beliefs. But think about if it did. What if every person who claimed to follow some religion (any religion) had to be moral to even utter it. Wow! That would be one peaceful planet.

The fact is this isn't a peaceful planet. Considering the number of 'believers'and their mistaken ideas that evil comes from nonbelievers, it should be. We all know this. I don't know if I want everyone to become atheists. The fact is I kind of like being in a minority. What I would like is for that dreaded preconceived notion that athiests are bad people to be completely errased from everyone's minds. Hell, I would like for all preconceptions about religion, race, creed to be abandoned. That would be a great gift to humanity from humanity.

In the meantime, I don't want to hide my beliefs anymore. If a complete stranger can pronounce their christian faith and intrusively ask if I follow their warped belief system, I will proudly proclaim that I am an atheist and a humanist!

If ya got a problem with it, I'd remind you of what your religion states: judgement is to be left to your god.

Here are a few books on my reading list:

Letter to a Christian Nation

The God Delusion

Breaking the Spell

I also recommend this cover article from Wired magazine

By the way, all three of those books are listed as great holiday gifts. Hmm...a little irony there.

A GIFT FOR ALL...

As usual, this season has shown both the best and worst of people. Since I'm desperately poor and not sure I want to participate in mass commercialism because of "the holiday season", (a topic to be further addressed in my next blog), I felt I'd share a little cheap joy.

I just finished listening to David Sedaris' Me Talk Pretty One Day which includes several tracks not in the book. I hope reading this will help you welcome the new year with much needed laughter.

POEMS ABOUT DOGS

By David Sedaris

Most every evening Goldilocks

Snacks from Kitty's litter box

Then on command she gives her missus

Lots of little doggie kisses

The Deaver's errant pitbull, Cass

Bit the postman on the ass

Her lower teeth destroyed his sphincter

Now his walk's a bit distincter.

A naughty Saint Bernard named Don

Finds Polly's kotex in the john

He holds the blood steak in his jaws

And mourns her coming menopause.

Dachsund, Skip, from Winnepeg

Loves to hump his master's leg

Every time he gets it up he

Stains Bill's calves with unborn puppy.

Each night old Bowser licks his balls

Than falls asleep til nature calls

He poops a stool then though it's heinous

bends back down and licks his anus.

What can I say, I love dogs....and bad poetry. Happy New Year!

IT'S BEEN A WHILE...

I haven't been blogging lately. I finally moved into my new apartment. The week of the move was very stressful for me and I think I've figured out why. For two years I have been a nomad. No real home that I could call my own, no commitment to stay anywhere. With the signing of this lease I have said that I will be staying here for x amount of time. And that thought scares me. I actually have become a minimalist. I like that everything I need can fit in my little car. I liked that, at a moment's notice, I could pick up and leave-find somewhere else to go. Now, my roommate is dependent on me, atleast for a while. The good thing is this lease is month-to-month. I don't think I'll be leaving any time soon (namely because now I am extremely broke which sucks), but also because I genuinely like it here.

I have walked to work twice now and am amazed at what I pass by. There are nearly a dozen hair salons, a dentist, a dry cleaners, a hip hop clothing store, and numerous restaurants-including a Subway, a chinese fast food chain, and several other international places (greek, russian, tai). On the other side of the street is a flower shop and a 7-11. What else does a person need. This is the first time I have lived so close to everything. The only thing I have to drive to is a grocery store.

So my funk is mostly gone. I am moved into my room and settled for the most part. I get along with my roommate which is always a bonus. I think I'll stick around for a second. I'll probably reconsider around late May when the temp starts rising. Last summer Megan (my roommate) said that it got up to 100 in the apartment! Yeah, I might be moving then. We'll see.

MY GIRL IS A GUITAR HERO!

I just got done talking to my girlfriend Dana and she had some great news. She was one of 20 people chosen from 100 to compete tonight in a Guitar Hero contest. She competed last weekend for the spot and was the only girl chosen. She rocks! I've watched her play and am not surprised that she made it. The funny thing is that none of her other fanatic friends had the nerve to try out. That makes me even more proud of her.

She's very nervous because she doesn't like to perform, but I think this will be a huge step for her. The finals are tonight and I would give anything to be there to cheer her on. Her parents are coming from across the state to watch her. WRKR is putting on the show and they have pics from the prelims, but I didn't see her in any. I'm sure they'll have some from the finals. If she's smart, she'll wear something really hot (because she's really hot) and that might help her to finish in the top 4. To be honest, she'll do well no matter how she looks because she is incredible. But it doesn't hurt to use your resources. Either way, I told her to have a blast. That's all that matters.

ROCK OUT, DANA!!!

O.k. I know this is getting monotonous, but I'm in love with the lyrics to the songs on this album. So bare with me...

TAKE A BOW

Corrupt, you corrupt

& bring corruption to all that you touch

Hold, you'll behold

And beholden for all that you've done

Spell, cast a spell

Cast a spell on the country you run

And risk, you will risk

You will risk all their lives and their souls

And burn, you will burn

You will burn in hell

You will burn in hell for you sins

Oh, our freedom's consuming itself

What we've become

Is contrary to what we want

Take a bow

Death, you bring death

And destruction to all that you touch

Pay, you must pay

You must pay for your crimes against the Earth

Hex, feed the hex

Feed the hex on the country you love

And beg, you will beg

You will beg for their lives and their souls

And burn, you will burn

you will burn in hell

you burn in hell for you sins

Muse

THE TEST

I went out one last time to enjoy the glow of the full moon. As I sat marvelling at the light shining down, I was startled by the bright glare of lights activated by some mysterious movement. I stared at the area, but couldn't see what had triggered them. I was about to shrug off the search when a fawn slowly crept from the darkness. It cautiously made its way across the gravel drive and was almost to the grassy lawn when it's sibling emerged as well. More wary than the first, it stopped and looked in my direction. I froze, hoping not to startle it, but wondering if it could see me. As it followed along, I waited for the mother who had always accompanied them. She never came. Perhaps I was witnessing some deer final exam. I pictured her standing in the darkness watching her two children pass by the potential threat-me. I kept still as the second form dissolved onto the lawn. Although I couldn't quite see the fawn anymore, I could smell the musky odor of it's presence. At one point, I turned on my flashlight and shone it where I thought I saw a form. Two glowing orbs stared at me. I turned off the light quickly. I didn't hear the usual frantic shuffle of hooves caused by timidness. They knew I was there, but now they had the cautious bravery of adults. As I walked back to the house, I smiled. The two fawns I had seen several times hugging their mother's side had grown up.

It's a full moon tonight...
I love nights like this, the moon illuminating every step I take. I almost don't need a flashlight-except to scare away the critters around me. But I can't blame them for being out. It's just so beautiful.
It's on nights like this that I wonder/wish that I were some kind of shape-shifter. Perhaps a werewolf, but maybe something else. I think it would be fascinating to have the power to change your physical being to fit your mood. Not every day, mind you. Just on that one night (and day) when the moon is full. I would want to experience both light and dark in my new shape. And as I said, your mood would control what shape you took. Or better yet, kharma! If you were pushy, demanding, and a regular shit one month, maybe kharma would make you a mouse so you could feel what it's like to be low on the food chain. If you were feeling powerless, kharma could make you a wolf. And if you had a good month, one lived well, kharma would reward you by letting you choose.
I would want to be a bird of some sort-probably an eagle. I have always loved watching birds soar through the air, both controlled by and controlling that wonderful substance that keeps them up. I could fly great distances in a day and see so many things. Or I could sit on a wire and shit on freshly washed cars. But be warned, what you do for this one day could affect your life. Kharma is always watching. If I did that, it would probably turn out to be my own car I was shitting on!
Anyway, it's just a thought...I'm going to go enjoy the moon for awhile.

INVINCIBLE

follow through

make your dreams come true

don't give up the fight

you will be alright

'cause there's no one like you in the universe

don't be afraid

what your mind conceives

you should make a stand

stand up for what you believe

and tonight

we can truly say

together we're invincible

during the struggle

they will pull us down

but please, please

let's use this chance

to turn things around

and tonight

we can truly say

together we're invincible

do it on your own

it makes no difference to me

what you leave behind

what you choose to be

and whatever they say

your souls unbreakable

during the struggle

they will pull us down

but please, please

let's use this chance

to turn things around

and tonight

we can truly say

together we're invincible

Muse

IT'S MUSIC TIME AGAIN...

Another case of hearing music every day and finally listening. I have a new fav band- The Muse. This album is amazing! I can't choose one fav, but this one is close:

HOODOO

Come into my life regress into a dream we will hide

and build a new reality draw another picture

of the life you could've had

follow your instincts

and choose another path

you should never be afraid

you're protected from trouble and pain

why

why is this a crisis in your eyes

come to be

how did it come to be tied to a railroad

no love to set us free watch our souls fade away

and our bodies crumbling don't be afraid

I will take the blow for you

I have had recurring nightmares

that I was loved for who I am and missed the opportunity

to be a better man

I can honestly say that every song on this album is powerful. If you haven't, check it out. And read the lyrics. This band is incredible!

ZEN AND THE ART OF CUSTOMER SERVICE

So ends another odd week of working at the bookstore. It began like shit. I don't know what was wrong, but I wanted nothing to do with humans on Monday. It happens every so often and when it does, I stay away as much as I can. The one thing I will say for NorCal is the people are genuinely nicer here. Sure you have your random asshole "important" person, but there are fewer of them here. Over all people are just polite. I have rediscovered the power of a smile.

The other day a man asked for a particular author, the name I cannot remember. He began to tell me about the books this author had written. They were your typical 'the world is going to end' books. The one he mentioned talked about how the U.S. was going to collapse. I couldn't help myself and smiled. "Everything is going to end some day," I said. He thought I meant that I agreed with this author. "We're all going to die, aren't we?" He looked at me a little startled. "You're Zen," he stated more than asked. "I try to be." I smiled again and he smiled back. (There's that power.) He wandered off to look for more books of doom and gloom and I couldn't help but think why do you want to read about our inevitable demise? What is the attraction to constant pondering about the end of the world, or atleast our society? Sure, sci/fi is fun, but why worry about this so much that your extracurricular time is spent dwelling on it?

I say this because there was a time when that person was me. I used to worry about everything. Not so much anymore. And I guess I'd have to thank The Art of Happiness. I know I've mentioned this book before, but Christians have their 'book' and I have mine. I picked it up after Monday and browsed through it to pick up some quick reminders. The thing I told that man before he left to find his dose of apocalypse was that I try only to focus on today. I work hard at having a good day and being happy. I do what I can in that day to make the world around me better. If I'm having a bad day, I focus on the fact that tomorrow will be here soon.

And the possibilites for that day are endless and all up to me.

ANOTHER BLAST FROM THE PAST

It's strange how the power of a song remains, but the reason why it is so powerful changes. It's all in your point of view.

"Hunter"

With one light on in one room

I know you're up when I get home

With one small step upon the stair

I know your look when I get there

If you were a king up there on your throne

would you be wise enough to let me go

for this queen you think you own

Wants to be a hunter again

wants to see the world alone again

to take a chance on life again

so let me go

The unread book and painful look

the tv's on, the sound is down

One long pause then you begin

oh look what the cat's brought in

If you were a king up there on your throne

would you be wise enough to let me go

for this queen you think you own

Wants to be a hunter again

wants to see the world alone again

to take a chance on life again

so let me go

let me leave

For the crown you've placed upon my head feels too heavy now

and I don't know what to say to you but I'll smile anyhow

and all the time I'm thinking, thinking

I want to be a hunter again

want to see the world alone again

to take a chance on life again

so let me go.

Dido

I finally threw off that crown and my world is all the better for it.

I usually never blog twice in one day, but I gotta say one more thing. I was looking at the picture of "ma bookie," Gizmo. Dammit! I want a dog so bad it hurts. Don't get me wrong-I like cats. I had Dingo (a beautiful all black cat) for fifteen years and I loved her with all my heart. But there is something about that unconditional love that a dog gives you. Cats give it too, but when they want to give it. It's even harder living out here because you can pretty much take your dog anywhere you want. Everyone brings their dogs into B&N.
Let's face it, I'm done with relationships. They don't work for me. The only kind of unconditional love I want walks on four legs. (And I can't find a man that will do that all the time!)
But seriously folks, I know that right now is not a good time for me to consider getting one. As soon as I can, you can bet yer ass I'm drivin' my happy butt down to the pound and giving some wonderful pooch a home.


Meet Theodore Bear (Teddy), one of the two puppies my sister just got. You can see Emmeline behind him. They are so cute and she is so lucky.

DON'T GET OUT OF BED, YOU FOOL!!!

Yeah, so today was the first truly crappy day here in Paradise. If I'd known, I would have used one the million sick days I have and stayed away from work. Ironically, I only helped maybe two customers. Usually I carry a phone and answer it all the time. Not today. And it didn't seem to help.

The day started with a conference call about the new magazine return procedures. Blah, blah, blah. Thanks for wasting nearly an hour of my time with something I could have read in a memo. When that was finally over, I had my first really heavy day-31 boxes. Ugh! Still that wasn't going to phase me, even though I had a shit-ton of other things to do. I somehow managed to get half of the magazines out and just felt yucky (I can't describe it better than that.)

I did learn something today-actually a few things:

1. Don't open the gate to the ginormic trash compactor that way cuz you'll pinch your hand! (It still hurts, btw)

2. There are like a b-zillion people living here, and they were all on 17 tonight when I was going home.

3. And hold your cup when you're pouring the milk.

Yeah, so whatever. I only have a few more hours of today and then I'll start a new day. This weekend is supposed to be in the 70's so maybe I'll do some last minute basking in the sun.

I hope your day was better.

I JUST GOTTA SAY THIS...

Sometimes I think I'm missing some sense of logic. Or maybe it's just everyone else is crazy.

I was reading Time Magazine the other day. If you scroll down on this link, you'll see a short write up about Keisha Castle-Hughes. I never thought I'd see the day when a "reputable" magazine would be so flippant about teen pregnancy. Ironically, I searched their archives and found this 11 year-old cover story. Funny how much a decade or so makes. The word 'corroding' might be a little harsh, but then maybe not. Kids having kids, anyway you slice it (I'd like to slice them), is insane. Doesn't this put a burden on the parents/grandparents who, let's face it, are going to wind up raising these offspring. Or atleast baby-sitting during homecoming, prom, SATS, etc. Oh wait, I'm assuming the young mothers will stay in school. I don't know the stats, but I'm sure the drop out rate is incredibly high. And if the parents/grandparents don't help, the burden shifts to us. Our tax $ has to cover the cost of welfare and healthcare. And then the government will give her all kinds of cash (again coming out of our pockets) so she can go back to school; however, I don't get shit for consciously taking steps not to have children that I know I can't afford and don't want. If I were smart I'd pump out some puppies so I can get a free ride. Damn my moral fiber!

Oh! But wait! There's a few things I'm forgetting:

a. she's not American, so our tax $ won't be used;

b. she's been dating her boyfriend for 3 years, so this obviously is a stable environment to have a child;

and c. she's an actress, so you know she's more mature for her age.

O.k. then. That makes everything hunky dorey. Let's just comment on how her experience playing the "Virgin Mary" will come in handy with this pregancy. Only if she's giving birth to the FREAKIN' second coming!

I've vented. Thanks for bearing with me. Let me know if you agree or not. Love to hear what others think. Am I a just an uncaring bitch? In this case, I hope so!

And while you're thinking of a response, a little FYI...

The U.S. just passed the 300,000,000 million mark this week. Hurray for us!!! Let's go overpopulation!!!

IT'S MOVIE REVIEW TIME!

I haven't seen too many movies lately, but I thought it was about time to weigh in on what I have seen.

I finally went to the theater here in NorCal. My uncle gave me a twenty and told me to scram (the latter part isn't true) and it took almost all of it just to get a ticket, some popcorn, and a drink! Yikes! Think I'll be investing in Netflix soon. Anyway, I saw Fearless. I mistakenly thought this was to be Jet Li's last action film. Who could blame him if it were true. You'll understand why a 43 year-old man might want to slow down after you see it. Actually this is Yuen Wo Ping's last choreography gig. I can't say that I blame him either. It's got to be a challenge to come up with new fight sequences. And he did an excellent job in this movie. But when you have Jet Li as your instrument, you better do good. The film is packed full of all the stuff I love in this genre. Plenty of variety in fighting styles including the use of many different weapons. I am in awe of Mr. Li. And the story was interesting, too. It tells the true story of Master Huo Yuan Jia who founded the Jin Wu Sports Federation. His life is the stuff of legend. He endured a great deal and became much-loved by the Chinese people. Be warned though, this movie does have subtitles. So if you're the kind of person who doesn't like them, this may not be for you.

The next film is Thank You For Smoking. Wow! This film is Jason Reitman's debut for both directing and writing. Man, I would be in hog heaven if I could do something like this. If you're a film geek like me, you recognized the last name, too. Yes, he is the son of Ivan Reitman. If you don't know the name, you know the movies. Anyway, this film is written superbly. The acting is great. You should hate these people-these doctors of spin-but you don't. By the end of the movie, I wished I could be as smooth and convincing. If I tell you exactly what the movie is about, many of you would think "I don't want to see a movie about slime like that." But you do. Trust me, everyone should watch this movie and toughen up their collective hides. The problem with today's world is we take too many things too seriously and definitely too personally. It's great to see things through a new perspective and this film does that. Trust me, watch it. And if you hate it, we'll talk. ;^)

I was going to review a few more movies, but this blog is horrendously long as it is, so I'll leave them for another day. Suffice it to say, there are some incredible indie films out there. So grab your favorite munchie, sit down, and enjoy! And let me know what you think.

GOODBYE IS NOT FAREWELL

I found out last night that I lost a friend Thursday night. I'm not sad today. Rather, I am enjoying all the good memories of her. I thought I'd share them with anyone who wants to know...

Her name is DD. I worked with her at Red Lobster in FL. I think the thing I respect the most about her is how she always told you the truth. If you are thin-skinned, don't ask her opinion, cuz you'll get it...straight up, not watered down. She never sugar-coated anything. I was going through some serious relationship problems then and she told me exactly what she thought I should do. I didn't want to hear it, but she wound up being right. She may have been harsh, but she always had my best interests in mind.

A lot of people at work didn't like her at first because she was all business. She worked hard-harder than people more than half her age-and the "kids" didn't respect that in her. We got along fine because I shared her work ethic. And what many of those youngsters finally learned was that DD was a riot. She may have been serious about work, but not about life. She loved to laugh and had a great sense of humor.

She was devoted to family. She has two daughters and one son and told us about all of their accomplishments with great pride. She had lost her husband a few years before I met her, but you could feel the love she still felt for him. To get a true sense of who she was, you only had to walk into her apartment. It was decorated in the Southwest/Country style she loved. Her walls were adorned with wonderful pictures of her family. And in a spare bedroom, her "piggy bank," a real slot machine would call out to you enticing you to feed it.

Several of us from work went over there a few times for a night of cards. Raquel, Tara, Sasha, DD, and I would spend hours playing Uno, eating delicious egg salad sandwiches that DD made, drinking, and laughing. And laughing. And laughing. I really miss those nights.

I found out that she had become ill last April when I went to FL for a visit. I was fortunate to have lunch with her and do some catching up. Although she did seem weak, she was the same DD-still laughing that great laugh of hers. My friend Raquel had left me a message Thursday night. It was too late to call back, but something made me think that DD was gone. Friday after work, I got another message from Raquel. I called her back so she could tell me what I already knew. She said that she had this uncontrollable need to see DD in the hospital on Thursday. Someone from work told her that DD had wanted her nails painted, so Raquel said that did it. She and a few friends bought some polish and went to see her. Although she looked bad, Raquel assured me she was the same DD. She even flipped off Patrick when he made a snide comment. That's our DD. I'm so glad Raquel had the chance to say goodbye.

I've lost several people in my life. And for some reason, it seems to get easier each time. I came to terms with death many years ago. I don't see it as an end. It is the beginning of the next incarnation in a long journey toward complete happiness and peace. I am excited for DD and her new journey. I know these words won't come as much comfort to those who miss her, but DD wouldn't want people to wallow in sadness. "Snap out of it," she'd say. "Have a beer for me!" And then she'd laugh.

I won't miss you, DD. I will remember you! You are forever in my heart.

A REFORMED COUCH-POTATO

For over 5 weeks now I've been without television. Those of you who know me have all just gasped. But I actually like it now. And now that I have internet access it's much easier because if I want news (which I rarely do) I can get it there. So what do I do with my time, you ask? Apart from a great deal of basking in the sun- which there is none of today :^(- I've been reading. I finally finished Veronika Decides To Die. It was a difficult book to read, but wound up being very satisfying. Coelho is my new fav author. He really get's what's going on in people's heads. I recommended him a few blogs back. If you haven't checked him out, get off your ass and do so.

I then reread the last Harry Potter book. Had to, I couldn't remember a damn thing about it. Not that it was bad. I think I just had a lot of shit going on when I first read it. I'm both excited and sad about the last one. Don't really want it to end.

Next was Lamb. I have hand sold tons of this book. I tell everyone about it. It is the funniest book I've ever read and also is bittersweet at the end. I have cried both times I've read it. I think everyone knows that if it's about Jesus you know how it ends. I don't cry because he's crucified, I cry because of the devotion between two friends. What would I do if my best friend were on a collision course that I couldn't change? But that's just the end. The rest of the book is hilarious. Read it!

I finally read Running With Scissors. It is a truly quirky book. Interesting to read, but you do wonder if all this could be true-especially after all that Frey shit. I saw the trailer last night at the theater (I will review that movie in another blog) and it didn't seem anything like what I had read. Which is not surprising. It's definitely worth a read, especially if you think your family is out there.

I've just started Saving Fish From Drowning, so I can't say too much about it yet. It's pretty good so far.

So that's what this couch potato is doing now. I will be able to watch the new Lost episodes on my computer, so all is not lost. Ha, ha. But I must say that life goes on without that glowing box in front of me.

THE LOVE OF MY LIFE

Thought I should explain the picture of the dog. Meet Gizmo. Some of you may have heard me mention him. He was/is/always will be the coolest damn dog. He was my ex's childhood pet and when I met him he was a grouchy 10 year old bastard. Yep, I hated him at first. He growled at everyone, even people he liked. And he would bite, too. So I was a little apprehensive when we inherited him and Tiki (the largest teacup poodle ever.)

Almost immediately his attitude toward me changed. He followed me everywhere. He slept under my feet when I sat on the couch and if he woke up and I wasn't there, he would search everywhere to find me. A great task since he was blind and deaf. He had an incredible nose. And he was smart. Let me say that I hated poodles. I've always liked dogs with meat on 'em. I always thought of poodles as those dogs with the hideous hairdos that old ladies carried around in their purses. I was wrong. If you ask people in the dog world, they will agree that poodles are some of the smartest ones out there. Tiki might have been an exception, but Gizmo wasn't. That dog was an Einstein. You could not put one over on him.

Does all this all sound like love? Read the title again. It will be 5 years this Dec. 15 since he left my life, but he is always in my heart. I love that damn piss. He was ma bookie. Here comes the Star Wars geek-ma bookie is what Jabba the Hut calls Han Solo in the remake of A New Hope. According to the subtitles, it means "my boy." For some reason, after I heard it I started calling him that. And he responded to it, while he could still hear.

Of the 18 1/2 years he spent on this planet, I hope the latter half was his favorite. I feel truly fortunate to have known him. And been loved by him.

CALIFORNIA BLUES

Yes, you can even get the blues in Heaven. I had 'em bad the other day. When I first spoke with my uncle about coming out here, he said that I would be welcome to stay for a couple months. It's been 5 weeks and I'm freakin' out. Since I didn't start my job for two weeks, I haven't been able to set aside much money to move. I know he's not going to kick me out on the street, but I don't want him to think that I'm just moochin' forever. I'm hoping we can sit down this weekend and discuss both his expectations and my needs. Basically, I need more time. I've been looking for roommates. I'll give all of you who know me a moment to pick your collective jaws up off the floor............... I have found out quickly that I will have to have help if I'm going to live here. It sucks, but it's a fact. Go to Craigslist.com and check out the situation. If you really want to blow your mind, look at the apartment listings. I've seen several for 4 grand! For an apartment! Are you shitting me? It is so bleedin' expensive out here-it sucks! Sure you can have B-E-A-yootiful weather and incredible views! Ya just can't enjoy it 'cause you're working 24-7 trying to make the money needed to live here. God, I love a good Catch-22!

So I've decided to just say "fuck it!" I'm gonna stop stressing and start saving. I'll look for a part-time job to help and see what happens. I've lived a huge chunk of my life alone and I know what it takes to make it. And maybe I can find a different job that pays a little more (even though I got a $1 raise per hour when I came here) and things will get a little easier. In the mean time, I'm going to go outside and enjoy the sun!

THERAPY-NINTENDO STYLE

I read a fascinating article in the August issue of Wired Magazine. I thought I might sum it up for all you avid readers in case you don't have a moment to read it. Although the names have changed, the affect of war is inevitably the same. The fancy name for it now is post-traumatic stress disorder or PTSD. Unfortunately, almost everyone knows a vet who suffers from some level of PTSD. Some people can get over the horrors they have experienced in defense of their country; however, there is a definite need for psychiatric help for many of those coming home. The usual method of treatment is through anti-depressants. If the patient doesn't like that, they can always try counseling, but often times that falls terribly short of doing anything except frustrating and angering the vet even more.

Exposure Therapy, "in which patients are reintroduced to the traumatic triggers again and again" has been used successfully for many years. This therapy was first used on non-military sufferers of PTSD. The problem with this method lies in the difficulty of the patient to reexpose themselves to the trauma in their own minds.

Enter virtual reality and gaming software. VR has been used on people with phobias and thanks to Virtual Vietnam and Full Spectrum Warrior-returning vets can now be exposed to what they saw during wartime. The patient wears an army helmet fitted with VR goggles. The therapist is able to see what the patient is seeing on a nearby computer and another terminal is used as a control panel. Three environments are used-large city, small city, and moving humvee. The first session merely introduces the patient to the VR world. As the sessions progress, more stressors (gunfire, explosions) are added. Everything down to the noises heard is very precise. The patient stands on a platform that vibrates as needed and there is also a smell machine which releases scents like garbage, Iraqi spices, diesel fuel, and body odor.

These extremely realistic games are actually helping some to leave behind their nightmarish experiences and have more productive and calm lives.

I will admit, I was hesitant at first about using video games as treatment. In my perfect pacifist world the treatment would be simple-no war. But I'm also a realist. Wars will exist as long as differences exist-different religions, languages, hair color. There is always a reason (sane or not) to see someone as the enemy. So if this new therapy helps people, who am I to see fault in it. I am truly lucky in that, so far, I don't need psychiatric help.

IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK

So I've finally returned to the land of the internet. And I thought I'd blog a little. I was reading a friend's blog the other day and he had posted lyrics to a really good song. I got to thinking-maybe I should do the same. The first song that came to mind is a song that (however much I hate to say it, and I do) changed my life. Over 3 years ago I had this cd playing in my car endlessly. For several months I heard this song atleast 2 times a day. Then one night I listened to it for the first time. I couldn't stop crying. I have never had a song sum up my life (at that point) so well.

NUMB

I'm tired of being what you want me to be

feeling so faithless

lost under the surface

I don't know what you're expecting of me

put under the pressure

of walking in your shoes

(caught in the undertow

just caught in the undertow)

every step that I take is

another mistake to you

I've

become so numb

I can't feel you there

become so tired

so much more aware

I'm becoming this

all I want to do

is be more like me

and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me

holding too tightly

afraid to lose control

'cause everything that you thought I would be

has fallen apart right in front of you

(caught in the undertow

just caught in the undertow)

every step that I take is

another mistake to you

(caught in the undertow

just caught in the undertow)

and every second I waste

is more than I can take

But I know

I may end up failing too

but I know

you were just like me

with someone disappointed in you

Linkin Park, Meteora

Those of you who knew me then know why this song meant so much. Fortunately, this song no longer applies to me; however, whenever I have doubts about why I am where I am today-I listen to it again.

HELL...& HEAVEN

Let me start off by defining irony:

Living on the edge of Silicon Valley and not having internet access. Hmph!

But first things first...Yes, I made it. And as my title suggests, I drove thru Hell and reached heaven. No, not heaven-Nirvana!

I was warned by many that my triop would reach it's lowest point beginning in Nebraska and end after Wyoming. Those people must have all turned at Salt Lake City. If they had continued west, they would know that hell doesn't start until the Great Salt Lake Desert. There ain't nothin' great about it! Over 60 miles of nothing but flat, hot,...well, nothing! As you leave the desert you enter Nevada and drive over a ridge. Hope blossoms as the road twists thru picturesque mountains. Then immediately it dumps you into a basin (the Great Basin!) where you drive for an eternity around mountain range after mountain range. There's nothing more depressing than seeing a road stretching before you for mile after mile. It made NE and WY seem like a breeze. The only positive thing about Utah is it's a straight drive across the state. The road thru Nevada meanders here and there to the point where it seems you're getting nowhere. The only amusement is watching dust devil #58 sweep by a sign that says chains or snow tires required for the next X miles. Huh? I did get to see my first (and hopefully last) sandstorm. And I now understand why the gov't used this region for nuclear testing-there ain't nothin' to kill out there! I didn't even see any buzzards!

I really began to feel sanity slipping away. Hell, I cried twice and I couldn't even tell you why!

Gradually the road began to wind upwards. Very soon I was following the Truckee River into Reno. I crossed over a ridge and came to Truckee, CA. My uncle owns a B&B there, so I stopped to take advantage of a free night's lodging. Truckee is a beautiful town nested on the mountainside. It consists of a lovely main street with quaint shops and restaurants. The Truckee River runs parallel to the railroad which is a popular means of travel. I could have stayed and worked at the B&B-the Richardson House-part time and did think about it. It is a beautiful Victorian house that sits above the town. Go to the link and you'll understand better how special it is. It consists of 8 rooms. Because they weren't open, Peter(the innkeeper) gave me my choice of the rooms. I decided on Tamsen & George's room mainly because of the footed tub. If you've never had a bath in one, I highly recommend it. It was exactly what I needed. The easiest way to tell you why I decided against staying there is to give you a number: 380. That's the # of inches of snow they had last winter! Not all at once, mind you, but even if you devide that by say 5 months, that's still well over 7 feet a month. Now I like snow, but not that much. For those of you who do enjoy winter activities, this is a great place to come. Northstar and Squaw Valley are only a short distance away and in the summer, Lake Tahoe is just over the ridge. That is where I went the next morning. I took the scenic route, which in my family is a dreaded thing; however, this was a wonderful drive that followed along the shore of the lake.

I am now at Los Gatos-a truly beautiful place that is less than a 1/2 hour from San Jose and maybe 20 minutes from the ocean. The trees are big and the stars are plentiful at night. I have a job at the B&N in Campbell and will be Newsstand lead there starting the 10th. So I've been reading and basking in the sun. I will post more later-hopefully I will have internet access soon.

FAREWELL EVERYONE

This week was spent packing, finishing my last week at B&N Kazoo, and saying good bye. All in all, it was a good week-filled with many laughs and no tears. It's strange, I thought I'd be more upset about leaving. That doesn't mean I'm not sad to leave so many wonderful people. I think because I've done this a few times, it's become somewhat easier to leave. The only regret I have is that there are a few people I won't be able to see. I hope they know that I have thought about them-it's just been such a crazy time and very difficult to slow down.

Today was my last day at work. It began well and then our district manager made a surprise visit. The mood quickly became very heavy. I'll be honest-I'm pissed that she turned what should have been a fun day into a shitty mess. There were a few bright moments-Tom gave me one of his beautiful photos, Becky baked two delicious cakes, Kat gave me a bag that had two gorgeous scarfs she had knitted (she knitted the bag too), and she and Mike P. gave me a card that contained kind words and another gift. I was able to convince a couple of friends to join me for a beer. My boss showed up and it was obvious he was frustrated. After a short time, he stood up to leave and began to shake my hand-a gesture that quickly turned into a hug. He told me that he tried to be a good boss and I felt compelled to tell him the truth. For all my grumblings, he has been a good boss. I can only hope that I will work with so many great people at my new job.

I am eager to get to California for many reasons, but mainly because I hope to stop and breath for a moment. I will try to go to the ocean next weekend so I can relax and tune into nature again. I desperately need that.

I have two days left in Michigan. Tomorrow I will spend part of the day with my family and the second part with friends. Sunday I finish packing and try to fit everything into my car. I am a little apprehensive about the drive, but also look forward to it. I really enjoyed driving to Florida earlier this year and am excited about this trip-despite everyone telling me how boring Nebraska and Wyoming are. I'm just looking forward to the beginning of a new journey. I have wanted to move to California for over 12 years and am so happy that it is finally happening.

Life is not about the destination-it's about the journey.

CHICKS RULE!!!

I finally went to see The Descent this weekend. I have been waiting for this film to be released in the U.S. for what seems like an eternity. It opened in the UK over a year ago and has been on DVD there for atleast six months. And I have been gnawing at the bit every day! It was worth the wait. Let's get one thing straight: that cheap rip-off, The Cave, is about...a cave! If you think that "descent" only refers to six women exploring a cave system underground, you are wrong! I have to be honest, I haven't seen The Cave. I don't have a desire to see it, but I'm telling you that I know this is nothing like that.

The Descent is only part horror film. What is truly scary/fascinating about this film is what happens to these women both physically and psychologically. The biggest criticism I have with horror flicks is how female characters are written. Most often they are screaming, useless bitches. Well these bitches rock! When they do lose it, it is only for a brief moment and it is completely understandable. Then they snap out of it and start kicking serious ass! I am becoming a huge fan of this writer/director, Neil Marshall. The only other film he has done that can be seen is Dog Soldiers. It is another fun ride!

I can't say that The Descent is "scary", but then there are few movies that can make me jump anymore. I did jump once in this one in a scene I had already seen! And there is definitely a squirming scene and some good gross outs.

I can think of nothing else to say except if this is your kind of movie, go see it. It's F-U-N. And don't we all need a little of that?

I'M BACK!

Since I'm moving away from everyone I know and into the great unknown that is Northern California, I've decided that I should start writing on this thing again. I hope that someone will actually read it.
Yes...I'm leaving Michigan. Something I knew I would do before I came back. The plan has always been that this was temporary and I have to move on. I know that there are people who are sad to see me go, but I have sat on my ass waiting for something to happen for far too long. And I know my friends would hate to think I stayed only because of them and sacrificed my life to make others happy. The fact is that I have learned a great deal from reading The Art of Happiness. If you haven't read it-you need to. Even if you think that you are happy. It opened my eyes completely to what is truly important. I have passed it on to one friend and will hopefully get it back so I can share it with others. The Dalai Lama is incredible. After watching Kundun, I realized that if he can live a life of happiness, anyone can. So to the few readers who are sad for 'losing' me I strongly suggest you read the book. Might I remind you, though, that no one is losing me. I plan to keep in touch with everyone whom I feel is important. You'll know if you're on that list in a month!
But seriously, if anyone needs further clarification as to why I'm doing this, I recommend you read The Alchemist. If nothing else, it will show you that life is about the journey and not the destination. It is time that I moved on. I am very excited about what lies before me. To those who have touched my heart, know that you will be with me every step of the way.
I hope to maintain this blog to keep everyone updated. I look forward to your comments.