HOLIDAY IDENTITY THEFT
I want to start this blog off by asserting that I love my family. And any comments made in this blog are not to be taken as my attempt to blame anyone else for the person I am.
That being said...
Holidays. It's the time of year where we gather with our family whether we want to or not. Some people, myself included, don't mind being around people who share a similar gene pool. I am fortunate to have some really cool people in my herd. But I still find that there is a hesitation on my part to spend too much time with them. There is an angst that begins in the pit of my stomach that I cannot control. Again, let me reiterate my statement above. This is NOT caused by any one individual. But it always bothers me. I am not young anymore. Although I still have some insecurities, I think I have a firm grasp of who I am and express it competently in social circles. Except for this one. Around my family I tend to melt into the background. I don't speak much and frequently feel that what I may have to say isn't interesting/intelligent enough for them to hear. And for those of you who know me, this must come as a surprise. Jami, biting her tongue? Choosing not to say anything? Bet some of you would like to hang out with me and my family now, huh?
This behavior has perplexed me since I first noticed it. I think that was when I was living in Florida and only saw my family once a year. I began to notice the anxiety that would begin to swell and would even externalize itself toward my sisters, where the competition for attention can be great. My mother noticed it, too and we've talked about it several times. The me that sat in front of them was not the me I knew any other day.
The other day I was watching an episode of Northern Exposure and one of the characters addressed this very issue. He questioned whether a person's identity is a constant. Or whether who we are is directly influenced by who we are with. It was a fascinating query and I've thought about it even more now that I'm facing another holiday meal with family. I can't speak for anyone else, but for me, the answer is definitely yes. Personality traits that I have with one person may diminish or be completely suppressed when I'm with someone else. I will say that, in general, this is only really apparent with my family. Perhaps it's because I'm the youngest daughter. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that my family is very strong-willed, intelligent and persevering. And that makes me question my own strength and determination. I am very proud to say they are my family. But I still find myself melding into the scenery.
So, hear we go. Another family gathering to go to. One plus about this one is that this side of my family doesn't know me as well. Perhaps that will allow me to be more myself. We shall see.
That being said...
Holidays. It's the time of year where we gather with our family whether we want to or not. Some people, myself included, don't mind being around people who share a similar gene pool. I am fortunate to have some really cool people in my herd. But I still find that there is a hesitation on my part to spend too much time with them. There is an angst that begins in the pit of my stomach that I cannot control. Again, let me reiterate my statement above. This is NOT caused by any one individual. But it always bothers me. I am not young anymore. Although I still have some insecurities, I think I have a firm grasp of who I am and express it competently in social circles. Except for this one. Around my family I tend to melt into the background. I don't speak much and frequently feel that what I may have to say isn't interesting/intelligent enough for them to hear. And for those of you who know me, this must come as a surprise. Jami, biting her tongue? Choosing not to say anything? Bet some of you would like to hang out with me and my family now, huh?
This behavior has perplexed me since I first noticed it. I think that was when I was living in Florida and only saw my family once a year. I began to notice the anxiety that would begin to swell and would even externalize itself toward my sisters, where the competition for attention can be great. My mother noticed it, too and we've talked about it several times. The me that sat in front of them was not the me I knew any other day.
The other day I was watching an episode of Northern Exposure and one of the characters addressed this very issue. He questioned whether a person's identity is a constant. Or whether who we are is directly influenced by who we are with. It was a fascinating query and I've thought about it even more now that I'm facing another holiday meal with family. I can't speak for anyone else, but for me, the answer is definitely yes. Personality traits that I have with one person may diminish or be completely suppressed when I'm with someone else. I will say that, in general, this is only really apparent with my family. Perhaps it's because I'm the youngest daughter. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that my family is very strong-willed, intelligent and persevering. And that makes me question my own strength and determination. I am very proud to say they are my family. But I still find myself melding into the scenery.
So, hear we go. Another family gathering to go to. One plus about this one is that this side of my family doesn't know me as well. Perhaps that will allow me to be more myself. We shall see.
1 comment:
I had a great time. The lack of 'history' seemed to put me at ease; however, I was a bad vegetarian. Couldn't help it, everything looked to delicious to pass up.
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