AN ANSWER TO A DIFFICULT QUESTION?

A woman came into the bookstore today. When I asked her what I could help her with, it was apparent that she was very upset. She said she was Christian and her daughter had just come out to her. She wanted a book to help her. I referred her to a fellow employee whom I knew had more knowledge of books that could assist her in coping with this news. Shortly afterwards, he came to me and angrily told me that she was looking for books to help "cure" her daughter. Initially, I thought he was mad at me, but I quickly recognized that his fervor was aimed at this woman's ignorance and naivety. I admit I was also angry at the idea that this poor young woman was suffering from some affliction; however, I have to say that I quickly saw this as an opportunity to practice what I have learned from the Dalai Lama.

As I said previously, I have been reading "The Art of Happiness." One section discusses the importance of feeling compassion, even and especially in situations where compassion would not be the first emotion felt.

The Dalai Lama says that compassion starts by placing yourself in someone's shoes and experiencing their suffering as if it were your own. This is not an easy task and requires a person to train their mind. I am a new student, but leapt at the chance to practice this especially with a situation that I have little understanding of.

So, why is this woman suffering? There are two reasons I can distinguish: the fact that she is a Christian and that this is her daughter. I'll take on the first reason since it is the most difficult for me to understand.

I was not raised Christian. I am an Agnostic with very strong Athiest tendencies. If I were to follow any religion, it would be Buddhism, but let me open up my mind to her beliefs. She has been raised all her life believing that if she follows certain rules she will go to heaven. This is all she has known. It is difficult, perhaps impossible, for me to state categorically that anyone's beliefs are wrong, so it is important to remember that this is who she is. Everything she knows is based on these beliefs. The hardest thing to face is any challenge of faith. Because of her Christian ideals, she now fears that her daughter will not spend eternity with her. This finality is terrifying for her. Her first reflex is to 'fix' this so that her daughter will be 'saved.'

The second reason is that this is happening to her daughter. Again, I am not a parent, but I have two and am close to many people who have children. A parent's job is to protect their children-from pain and suffering. This behavior is truly altruistic and noble. Perhaps this woman was suffering because she knew that her daughter's life would be very difficult and perhaps full of discrimination. A parent's hope for their child is that they won't have to suffer and will be able to find happiness in life. Her actions would be to try to protect her child from pain.

So, what would I say to her to try to help? Open your heart, see that your daughter has not changed. She needs love and compassion from the people closest to her. This is not her decision, it is her life. Showing her compassion can only bring you closer, while being angry and trying to 'cure' her will only alienate her. I have many gay friends and several have told me that if they had the 'choice' they would not have decided to be gay. It is not an easy life to lead. This is who she is. She will be facing all kinds of obstacles and has already faced the biggest one: coming out to you. Show her that you will love her no matter what, even if you don't agree with her lifestyle. She needs your support now more than ever.

So do I think that this woman will recognize these things, I don't know. Will her daughter have a difficult time? She may have a difficult time whether her mother supports her or not. Did looking at this woman's suffering through compassionate eyes help? It was enlightening to feel compassion rather than anger. I think that if the opportunity were to present itself again, I would be more apt to show sympathy and perhaps be of more assisstance. I will say that I think that my co-worker handled the situation very well, despite the anger he felt. He gave her a book that helps Christians understand and be more accepting of gays and lesbians.